Digital Stimulation at The Park Tavern

              With today’s culture so focused on the digital stimuli of our tablets, and our touch screens, and our tronz, let us not forget to true meaning of the word “digital”: of or having to do with, the FINGER.  We, The Finger Bangers, wish to bring a more personal touch to digital stimulation… And with this, we give you our first chicken finger review: The Park Tavern.

               

              I’ll be honest; we handpicked The Park Tavern to be our very first review because we knew that we absolutely loved their chicken fingers. Despite my overall negative feelings of the PT, they have been known to finger bang me to gastricgasm many times, so we figured that a nice fluff piece would be the perfect way to get the ball rolling, but we were in for a shocker of a surprise.

               

            Though it is a bar staple of Cap Hill, I do my best to avoid the Park Tavern even while living across the street. The bro’d out atmosphere, unnecessarily loud awful music, and habitual staff turnover rate usually leave me bouncing my leg with anxiety and drinking faster than I need to in order to calm my nerves. Thankfully we managed to find a seat on the front patio last night in order to avoid the dreadful interior. It was a who’s who of Capitol Hill on 11^th avenue. Several people we knew walked by and we enjoyed some stop-n-chats. The air smelled of cigarettes and gasoline as everybody’s favorite type of person, dudes on obnoxiously loud motorcycles, buzzed the patio. The service was as bad as it usually is at the PT, though our waitress (who seemed to be neck deep in the weeds) was very friendly. I ordered the same beer 3 times before getting one, but hey… that’s what you get at the Park Tavern so there is no use in complaining. 

  The best antidote for my Park Tavern anxieties was always the perfectly triangular-golden brown- flakey white meat chicken fingers that were served in a delight conical metal basket. These fingers were exactly what I wanted when I craved a good blasting, but I was in for a terrible disappointment last night. The Park Tavern had pulled out their fingers mid blasting and changed them up. As soon as the red plastic basket was put on the table in front of me and I saw foreign shaped nuggets of processed chicken, I feared that our first review would be a bad one. My first bite confirmed these fears when could immediately tell by the texture of the “meat” that it wasn’t an actually a pounded chicken breast filet, but rather a molded lump of the notorious “pink slime” chicken substance breaded and passed off as actual meat. I had flashbacks to being habitually disappointed by eating the mysterious chicken patty in my highschool cafeteria. The Park Tavern is apparently struggling as much as our budget slashed public education system if they have the need to serve Grade F meat to its customers.  The only saving grace is that my first bowel movement after consumption was solid, unlike the times I had to sneak into the Teacher’s Bathroom during 8^th period after eating the chicken patty for lunch.

Like I said, I was hoping that our first review would be a good one in order to start things off on a positively sensual note, but The Park Tavern went in with dirt under their fingernails and left us with an infection. For this reason, I am only inserting Two out of Five fingers into the Park Tavern, and Dana gives them Three. For reference, Zero fingers is inedible to the point where they need to be sent back, One is so disgusting that we couldn’t finish eating them, Two is really bad but we ate all of them, Three is average, Four is pretty damn good, and Five is the type of finger bang that you remember from your very first adolescent experimentation….the kind that still gives you goosebumps when you think about it today.

-Jason

Beer Can Chicken Corner:

The Park Tavern is not known for its beer list, nor its cock-tails.  However, if you decide to finger yourself on a Tuesday, you can take advantage of their $2 u call it from 4 pm to Close.  Just be sure to order 2 at a time because the drink service can be a little spotty.  The small and crisp fingers at the PT match perfectly with the Stone IPA.  The hoppiness of this beer will ensure your fingering is filled with happiness.

-Kevin